Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize