Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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