Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
