She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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