She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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