haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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