That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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