I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
