Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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