well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
