I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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