I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize