cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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