I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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