i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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