There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
