Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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