We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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