I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
