HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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