i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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