before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
