she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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