she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
