if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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