We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
