i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
