And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
