um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
