i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
