remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
