the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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