you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
