I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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