tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize