Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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