I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
