I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
