i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
