just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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