How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
