if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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