Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
