Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
