if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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