You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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