hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
