I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
