Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
