piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This toilet bowl is my home.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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