chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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