You can't special order awesome
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
