Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
