i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
