it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
