party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
