yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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