i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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